A close family member who was raised Christian, but is now an atheist, told me once over dinner, “it’s funny, but even though I don’t think it does anything, I still pray when I’m worried or stressed.” I see no paradox. I’ve prayed daily since I was a child, yet there are many times I’ve wondered if God is listening.

Can you prove prayer works?

Several studies have examined the efficacy of prayer. I don’t believe it can be reasonably studied.

When I pray, you can measure changes in my physical responses such as brain waves and blood pressure. Does that mean prayer works like a good diet, a drug or an exercise program? When I pray for a specific outcome, how do you measure the result? Is God some kind of cosmic Skinner box, dispensing food when a lab animal presses the prayer button? How would you measure the result if I pray for guidance or relief of shame?

The question itself may be wrong. For the religious, the effects of prayer are not measurable because they do not occur solely in the physical world. If you want to know if prayer works for you — whatever that means to you — you need to pray.

What does God’s answer look like?

God is not a slot machine. Or an online shopping cart. God’s answers are often different than your answers. There are a lot of moving pieces in the Universe.

When my son asks for a second Dr. Pepper, I will probably offer a glass of water. He might drink the water or he might slam his bedroom door in a tantrum. I still don’t give in and let him have the soda but I might hold him close while we wait out disappointment together.

Let’s suppose you pray for something simple, like an increase in your monthly salary. Can your employer afford it? Would it mean someone else might lose their job? Are you asking for a salary increase when your problem is something else — pride, envy, a gambling addiction? Money is an important part of our lives, and it can be an answer to some of life’s problems. But we often think of money as life’s duct tape. Unhappy at work? You just need to make more money. Upset about gun violence? Write a check so you don’t feel bad about missing the protest march. Kids are struggling in school? If you could just afford a better tutor their grades would improve. Money itself might provide access and opportunity but on its own money doesn’t fix the things that really need fixing. God’s answers are more personal than throwing money at a problem.

But what if a big pile of money really could solve your problems? How many people pray to win the lottery every time they play? If God did intervene, their winnings would be worth about 27 cents each after splitting the payout. I know you’re thinking, “if I win the lotto I will give a bunch of money to my church, and finally start that nonprofit and do a bunch of stuff for God.” God doesn’t need you to win the lotto, God wants you to get up and get going on God’s work right now. So even with your best intentions, God’s answer might look like a volunteer experience at a homeless shelter, because maybe what you need is perspective more than money.

In my experience, God’s answers look more like challenges and surprises than undeserved rewards. I’ve needed and prayed for money many times and the answers I believe I received have included requests of my time to volunteer that led to some side hustles, a bargain on a used car that fit my growing family, a magazine buying some of my jokes and many other strange twists that deepened my life in more ways that mere money could ever have. Often, I’m surprised that God puts another friend in my path when I pray — or when they pray — for help. God seems to like the action of others luring us all toward love.

An atheist wants to know

But Matt, money is too simple an example. If there is a God, why can’t all believers get together and pray for an end to cancer, and hurricanes and racism?

I don’t know.

God does not promise an immediate end to suffering. God does not compete against hurricanes. I should probably start remediating my own contributions to white privilege before asking God to give me an easy way out. Still, I cannot help but feel sympathy for any atheist who demands such answers as I myself am left to decide in many cases between utter doubt and total faith.

Jesus faced doubt. If Jesus knew Lazarus was going to be raised, why did Jesus weep? Why did Jesus pray in the garden before his death for the cup to pass? Only you can decide if choosing faith amidst doubt is worth the risk. Like Jesus, you will never eliminate doubt and uncertainty, but you can choose to live fearlessly just the same.

Of course, Jesus also said that we could pray and throw a mountain into the sea. If you read these kinds of verses like a child reads a fairytale, then you will be frustrated when the mountain doesn’t fall. Trust me, I know enough about my own whims to know that God doesn’t want us literally throwing mountains around. Instead, God stands at the door when we knock. We don’t know if God has bread, or cake or two stale almonds for us, but God is waiting to share the thing we need at that moment even if it is different than what we think we need.

Prayer is a relationship

Prayer “works,” because it’s not about simple acts of supplication but about nurturing a real relationship with God. Talking to your spouse “works.” Helping a neighbor shovel snow “works.” How long would you keep a friend that only asks, never gives, never shares, never holds your hand, never buys you a coffee? I’ve learned that prayer — like any good conversation– should find me waiting and listening not just yapping away.

So try it. I double-dog dare you to pray right now. Pray to God. Pray before reading the next sentence. Pray like a young girl asking her grandmother to tea. Pray like a father asking his son to play catch. Pray to the baby Jesus like Ricky Bobby. Pray like no one is judging you. Pray like the rebel you know you are, because these days, prayer is as subversive as a Ramones concert. Pray like a lonely child for friendship. Pray for peace like a deployed soldier. Pray for deliverance like a refugee. Pray for your world view to shatter and watch the mountain of materialism fall into God’s vast seas. God may not grant you a thing, but God will be there to share in your deep-down filthy pain. Wait for it. Listen. Wait some more.

Prayer forms me

Where prayer works best for me is in shaping my life’s arc. I keep praying even when I doubt because prayer makes me who I am more than any other ritual or habit. The culture around me seems quite busy trying to form me without my request or consent, bending my arc with powerful gravitational allure. Prayer is my chance to choose to be formed by the mysterious ground of being. The simplest prayer is a single breath because in that breath I intimately commingle with the interconnected Universe that sustains me. There is nothing more life-affirming than acknowledging and celebrating your connection to the very source of life. You become who you are by knowing I Am.